that's an acceptable place to lick
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
