Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
