When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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