my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
