we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
