I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
