I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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