I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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