We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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