It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
literally had 100 drinks last night.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
