the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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