My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
