You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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