Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
