The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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