Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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