There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
