can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
