i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
