Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
