um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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