so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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