There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
