someone threw a dead crab at me
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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