Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
