Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I would fuck him just for his dog
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
