I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Come on in and take your pants off
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