my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
