i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
