those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
