That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Someone shattered a urinal.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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