does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
