I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
