Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
