How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
