Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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