You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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