trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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