I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
