is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
