I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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