dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
