btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
