I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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