You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
