Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
