Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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