A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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