I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
