When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
