i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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