im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
