My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
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