ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
