Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
