So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
