I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
