so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
