dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
